Every day I feel hopeless. I am so caught up in my negative mind that I can’t see past it. My poor choices, and my awkward feelings are not making it easy to get through this. I cry every fucking day and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am failing BOTH of my classes, I have no job and my boyfriend is voicing his frustrations with me daily about my negative attitude. All I can think about is a time I once heard ” you were so negative it was difficult to be around you” - so now I choose to isolate myself rather than others be around someone so negative. I used to think suicide was selfish, and I don’t plan on doing anything to hurt myself - I just want to know how to make these feelings go away. I feel like my family looks at me like I don’t really belong. My own parents know of my struggles, and while my mother is dealing with stuff now, she said some shit on my facebook that pissed me off. I mean, she could have texted or called me to say the thing she did, but for real, I don’t ask anybody for shit. I don’t go out of my way to be around people and then be negative - I just assume to sit in my own hell and work it out just like I have everything else in my life (yes negativity right there at it’s finest). I took myself off of Effexor Spring of this year and ever since then I say I want to die every day. I have no job, I can’t afford my own bills now and I can’t find a job, and school is so important but I am fucking it up because of my mental instability, even though I wanted to blame my boyfriend’s addictions - while he’s played a part in some of it I know deep down inside I may just have used that as an excuse once I was already too behind. If I told doctors how I feel, they would put me in a room without my clothes and my phone and then tell me I need to see someone but then seeing someone never happens. I need a doctor, but I don’t want to be medicated with pills that are going to put me on pills and send me on my way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I know some things I need to do (I think) but it’s so difficult when you’re caught up in the whirlwind of whatever you’re going through. I am so emotionally unavailable right now I really just want to go under a rock and disappear. Sometimes, I feel like the world would be better without me, and that I really bring nothing positive. My negative mind is so big right now I can’t see past the bullshit. I need to get this shit out of me, I want it gone - but I don’t know how to change my thought patterns right now. I am so sick of sobbing everyday and I know it’s not normal. I am sick of wishing I was dreaming, and then it always being reality. I am so sick of not being able to let shit go and that it bothers me so badly that I can’t get past it to get out of this fucking funk I am in. I forget everything, my life is crazy and chaotic, and everything I say I want to do I never do. I don’t want sympathy, I want these feelings to go the fuck away. I want to be a positive, happy person. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be OK with where I am in life and I want to learn how to let shit go so it doesn’t debilitate my life and make me suffer. I don’t know how to change it. I want to change my diet and I want to exercise and do yoga, and I don’t do any of it. I stay in this nasty vicious negative whirlwind of emotions and I want to make it stop. I hear “It’s all mental” and I need to make my mind up, and I do - and then forget I do, since I can’t walk around with my dry erase board of words and notes - everything I think and say, all gets forgotten when I walk out of the house and I am left with my own thoughts. I have always swore that I would never hurt myself, but I do see how people just give up and end it. Sometimes something so simple is so difficult and not attainable. At the end of the day I just want to be able to let shit go and that is one of my biggest problems.
Currently, my goal is to make sure I get to yoga class as many times a week as I can. Yoga and meditation are supposed to be very helpful, and I never do it even though I say I want to. I have a month of yoga from Charm City yoga for $30, and after that my grandmother says she will help me go to classes after that. I also want to get to the gym and I don’t. It’s getting cold and I get worse as the season progresses to colder. I want to start going to the gym at least three days a week in addition to the yoga classes I so desperately need.
My number one goal is to talk to a fucking psychiatrist. I just got some numbers and I got to get the red and white card so I can go see a doctor. I don’t want drugs - after pulling myself off Effexor after ten years, so I may have to do the heal the body with food thing - which means even more discipline on my part (which I lack most of the time). I want to talk to a doctor about my marijuana use. As much as I know I use it as a crutch and self medicate, I want to voice that to a doctor, I want to be honest and open so I can get the help I need to get through this and if that means not smoking weed everyday then I will cut back - but have to fill that void with something.
Putting my feelings on paper is hard, while this isn’t paper, this is something that I will be able to reflect on later. I was going to post this privately for no one else to see, but someone else could be struggling with the same shit. Telling yourself “This too shall pass” isn’t always easy when you know all of the work that it takes, and spiritually and mentally you just aren’t there - I just want every day to be a little happier. I want to be able to learn how to not let things (EVERYTHING) bother me. I just don’t want to be angry inside anymore.
X-ray Body in Motion - Yoga
We’ve got a beggar! #beggar #cute #chihuahaproblems #chihuahua #loveher
Biomechanical skull as I wander shop in his store at Southpoint #store #Southpoint #store #window #Biomechanical (at Fells Point Waterfront)
Love this! #Baltimore #photographer #dogs #pit bulls #love #endanimalabuse (at RoBERT McCLINTOCK Studio Gallery)
Filming for some new HBO series #Baltimore #city like #charm city yoga #yoga class #no parking (at Fells Point Waterfront)
North point state park #love #lovehim #babe
Fauna and flora! #flora #flowers #myyard
Bella loves #wawa
Black widow #blackwidow #arachnid
New floor in progress #floor #wood #hardwood #new #thxbabe